Self Love

This week I battled with myself.  A battle, I thought I overcame a few years ago.  A battle that snuck up on me quite frankly.  I’m speaking of the battle of self love from an outer appearance standpoint.  This battle many of us brown-skinned girls face or have faced in our lives.  I was looking at myself in the mirror and not feeling very good about the image I was seeing looking back at me.  

As I looked at myself in the mirror I wanted so desperately to like the image looking back at me.  I wanted to believe the words I was telling myself, “You are beautiful.  You are most beautiful because of who you are inside,”  While I do believe I am a beautiful person, this week I was struggling.  Negative self talk began, comparisons to others started and finally I was asking myself what I could do to enhance my outer appearance.  All of this I know comes from the enemy but never the less that is where I was this week.  I was mad at myself for being back in this mindset and desperately wanted to get out of it!  I started thinking about the time someone in high school told me I had a great personality , but followed up with “if I could only put your personality into Donna’s body”.  I also remember a time expressing disappointment in someone for the images they’d shared of themselves and being told by someone else that I had never experienced that level of beauty so I couldn’t possibly know what this very beautiful person was going through.  Then there were the times in my formative years of being flat out told, I was too skinny, I was too dark, I was ugly and being laughed at by my own aunt for not having a rear end in a family of  voluptuous women.  

I was dealing with some very deeply rooted, painful experiences that wanted me to reinforce these negative images of myself.  I had to fight.  I couldn’t stay here or go any further down this rabbit hole.  I prayed a simple prayer many times throughout the day, “Lord please help me.”  God reminded me of who he made me to be.  He reminded me that he loves me.  He reminded me of all the times I’ve gotten great joy in giving to others, the beauty in that.  He reminded me that my heart loves and truly cares for people.  He reminded me of my kindness and when I express this kindness to others, how others see beauty from within. He reminded me of all the times people have told me  I’m beautiful. He lastly reminded me that everyday, I have the ability to show others his beauty by being the very reflection of Him.

Once he dealt with my inner battle the outer work was easy.  I generally am not one who wants to wear a lot of makeup and falsies, but I do think I’d like to spend a little more time everyday on my outer appearance.  I decided it’s ok for me to spend a little more money on myself too.  These are things I’d like to do for myself.  I’ve spent so much time and energy giving to others over the years that it’s time I give myself a little more love too.  

I want to be very clear, I’m not doing this because I need to prove to others I’m beautiful or make them like my outer appearance.  The opinion of others does not matter.  What does matter is I stand tall, all 5’9 inches of me and love myself everyday.  Love every inch of my inner being and ensure I am the best person I can be, giving my best self to the world.  I have a gift to share with others and God placed me on this earth at this time to give it.  Excuse me while I talk in the third person, but I love Felicia!  I love who she is, I love her heart and her mind! I’m so thankful that God reminded me of who I was through my battle this week. A person can always change their outer appearance, but still be messed up on the inside.  I don’t want that. Ever!  

I know I’m not the only one who has battled within themselves over their outer appearance.  If anyone reading this has had or is having some of these same battles, I’d encourage you to get into your word and remember it says that “You are fearfully and wonderfully made”, Proverbs 139:13.  “You formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb”, Psalm 139:13. “We are God’s masterpiece”, Ephesians 2:10.  That verse in Ephesians brings me great joy! God made all of his people uniquely beautiful!  God is good.  He’s a God of love and he very much loves the beauty of all his creation. Speak kindly and positive to yourself and trust God to help you overcome the fight for the truth.  The truth is you are beautiful just the way you are!  Now it’s up to you to believe it.

~Felicia